Sunday, November 12, 2017

Key Pizza

My wife thinks the name “Key Pizza” is stupid. Stupider is the sign, which, even in this fuzzy photo I did not take, plainly shows a real key attached to a pizza keychain. Either the sign should show a key made of pizza, or the shop should be called Keychain Pizza. Right? Right.

I first visited Key Pizza on Halloween. Fitting, as it turned out. 

Inside the door I saw an ice cream menu. I saw pizza boxes, insulated delivery bags, ovens. What I did not see was pizza.

Dialogue:
— Do you serve slices or just whole pies?
— We sell slices.
— I’ll have a slice.
— That will be $2.25.

Note: in New York “a slice” implies a plain slice, and I took the fact they didn’t ask what kind of slice I wanted as a good sign.

It wasn’t. I waited a minute for them to produce a slice. Then two. Then five. They were busy. I thought maybe I was missing something. I looked around for a self-serve pizza bar. There wasn’t. I looked for an unobtrusive place to stand. Negative.

Note: in New York pizza shops pride themselves on getting slices out the door as fast as possible. Business depends on it. If there’s a wait, people will down the street.

Not so in Philly. Closest competitor: 3 blocks. And I had already paid. 

A man came in dressed as Dumbo’s friend Timothy Q. Mouse. (I asked.) He said his nose was hurting so he had taken the nose off. He ordered two slices. $4.50. 

A minute went by, then two, then four. He wondered out loud if he was missing something. I asked at the counter. We weren’t: the pizza was “coming up right now.”

The pizza, when it was delivered, was hot. It had cheese—lots of stringy chewy cheese. And chewy crust that flopped around and was impossible to hold. There was also red sauce. It was all thoroughly unremarkable.

What was remarkable was the neighborhood. I walked home past homeowner after homeowner on their front stoop, each with a bowl or bag of candy. Some were in costume. Some were reading. One seemed to be grading school papers.


Swarms of children caroused the streets, with and without adults in tow. “Check out 2218!” one boy yelled back over his shoulder as he sprinted toward the next promising door.


Key Pizza on Grub Hub

Key Food Pizza Menu, Reviews, Photos, Location and Info - Zomato

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